I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
