I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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