There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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