words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
