Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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