I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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