Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
