Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
