dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
