Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
