He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My feet surprised me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
