standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
