So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
