I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
so much tequila, so little girl.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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