I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
