honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
