Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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