Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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