sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
