She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
