Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
