The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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