Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
