Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
