i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
