i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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