He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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