Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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