I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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