We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
