Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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