Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
