i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
