I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
