Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
