I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
