if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
