i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
