He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
