Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
