I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
