i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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