yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
