I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
