I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
