my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
