If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
