I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
