I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
