well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
