Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
