fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
