our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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