before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We are two peas in an std pod
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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