so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
