Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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